A while back, a dear friend posted the following Buzzfeed link on Facebook:
While it was an entertaining read, the conclusions were wrong. ALL wrong. CATASTROPHICALLY WRONG.
Perhaps I’m being harsh. At the very least, they were sort of wrong.
Here’s my hot take on the hot and (not at all) eligible men from the Disney vaults.
Eric from The Little Mermaid
Sure, he’s handsome-ish and a fairly amiable guy, but don’t you also get the impression he’s a little flaky? Like, “Oh, who is that girl singing? I’m in love with her!” and then a minute later, “Oh, who is this mute gift of beauty and charm before me? I’m in love with her!” Obviously the guy just has a thing for redheads and, despite many attempts, my fate is not to be a ginger. He and I simply wouldn’t work out.
Prince Phillip from Sleeping Beauty
It’s been a long time since I’ve seen this movie, but I remember having a crush on Phillip as a young lass. Is it just me or did he have this deadpan, awesome sense of humour going on? No! Don’t tell me! Just let me savour the memory I may or may not have independently created in my young mind. The downfall of Hilarious Phillip is obviously the way he marched into that castle after defeating Maleficent (who is tied with Ursula for Best and Most Badass Female Villain) and laid one on Princess Aurora as she slept. Look, if I am in the middle of the best nap of my life, I don’t care how funny you are. Don’t wake me. I promise if you do, things won’t end in a fairytale wedding.
John Smith from Pocahontas
Never seen the movie. Never gonna. Two words: Mel Gibson. Third word: Gross.
The Prince from Snow White
I hate Snow White. I hate Snow White. I hate how timid and easily frightened she is and how she’s all, “My life is terrible! The only way out of this is for a man to save me!” If I could add an audio recording of me impersonating her high and obnoxious trill, I would, but your ears would probably bleed. Look, any man who is going to fall for this wisp of a woman is not going to be able to deal with me on any level. I would break this Prince.
Prince Charming from Cinderella
To quote Madonna from A League of Their Own, “It’s not just a name, it’s an attitude.” I appreciate that this guy goes out of his way to find that hot girl he danced with at a party. I mean, it’s not like they had a Missed Connections section of their local newspaper to rely on. He really had to go out of his way. I’ll give this guy a chance. (PS Is anyone else dying to find out what happened when he found out Cinderella was a package deal with all those filthy mice?! I love my partner, but if he told me he came with dozens of mice he had dressed in little outfits, we may not be married today. It’s okay, I’m sure he’d say the same. Vermin is kind of where we draw the line in our relationship.)
Li Shang from Mulan
I sort of watched this movie once a long time ago and don’t remember much from it. I find this man attractive. And he’s currently disrobing. Yes. He will get a date.
The Beast/Prince Adam from Beauty & the Beast
It’s no secret that I find his temper abhorrent. As the Beast, he is so much work. Ugh. It’s like, “I’m sorry I was late to dinner, but did you really have to destroy the entire West Wing? Oh, and can you clean up your own damn mess once in a while? All of your servants are tiny and lack opposable thumbs. The least you could do is give them a literal hand. Yeesh.”
Then, when he’s transformed into a human, he appears to be even more high maintenance! There is no way I’m sharing a bathroom with that obvious shampoo/conditioner/blow dryer/mirror hog.
Flynn Rider from Tangled
I admit I have a bit of a weakness for that guy who played Chuck and who also happens to be the voice of Flynn Rider. Plus, Flynn (aka Eugene) is a fun guy. He’s charming, quick witted, and got some pizazz. That said, the guy is an obvious player. My instincts tell me he’s a serial cheater.
Prince Naveen from The Princess & the Frog
Speaking of obvious serial cheaters…it breaks my heart that Prince Naveen is a womanizer because he is the hottest of all the princes in all of Disney history. Plus, he plays the ukelele! I can’t resist! Fine! I choose YOU, Prince Naveen…but I know, deep down, you’re only going to break my heart.
Ah, well, it’ll be fun while it lasts.
Aladdin/Prince Ali from Aladdin
Like Flynn Rider, Aladdin is a thief and a scoundrel. Unlike Flynn Rider, however, Aladdin is clearly inexperienced when it comes to women. Plus–and this is a BIG plus–he’s voiced by DJ Tanner’s boyfriend, Steve. Okay, this may only be a plus if you were really young when Full House aired. Rest assured, Steve was a real catch back then.
(For more on my feelings about Aladdin and other crushes from my childhood, please check out the story I wrote for HelloGiggles)
In conclusion, Prince Naveen is the guy I would have a torrid affair with. Then, while I’m nursing my broken heart, I would meet Aladdin, whereupon he would show me that real men are loyal, devoted, and willing to lie about their entire identity just to get the girl…wait…um…I may have to rethink this.
What are your thoughts?