Last night’s brand new episode of Sleep was interrupted for two hours of worrying about real life problems. They say laughter is the best medicine. You know what else is good medicine? Ranking one’s irrational fears. Let’s do that.
My Irrational Fears Ranked from Least Rational to Most Rational
5. DOLLS – Maybe it’s because I was told one too many doll-related scary stories as a child. Maybe it’s because I saw the Chucky trailers at an impressionable age (no, I’m not going to link to any of them because I actually like myself). Or maybe…just maybe…my kid’s beloved dolls are going to rise up and attack me one of these days.
4. PEE-WEE HERMAN – Nope, I don’t think he’s funny. He has had cameos in my nightmares for decades. If the dolls don’t do me in, please bring Pee-wee in for questioning. Pee-wee’s Secret Word is…homicide!
(I can’t bring myself to search for images of him. Y’all know what he looks like. Don’t make me do it.)
3. MY INABILITY TO RUN LONG DISTANCES – I exercise 5-6 days a week, but I stick to yoga and brisk walking on the treadmill with a bit of abs and free weights thrown in for good measure. Now that you know I’m not completely slovenly, I will admit that I cannot run. I’m bad at it. I hate it.
If the zombie apocalypse happens, you’ll probably have to leave me behind.
To make myself feel better about this fact, I’m including a gif of Benedict Cumberbatch running.
2. BEING UNPREPARED TO HOST SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE – I know I probably won’t ever be asked to host SNL, but it’s not totally and completely outside the realm of possibility. I mean, I was in the British tabloids a few weeks ago and that also seemed unlikely to happen.
On the off chance that I am one day in the position to stand on that famed stage and say, “We have a great show for you tonight! Bobble-headed Sock Monkeys are here, so stick around!” I want to make sure I have something to offer. Sure, I have a background in theatre, which will help, but I don’t want to be a wet noodle up there.
And so, I’ve been working on my Jane Fonda impersonation.
1. BECOMING A PERSON OF INTEREST IN A MURDER TRIAL – I’ve watched my fair share of Luther, The Fall, Sherlock, and various police procedurals. You know how there are those little tricks detectives use to determine guilt? For example, if a suspect speaks of the victim in past tense rather than present tense, that suspect is usually the killer. I’m afraid that, because of my knowledge of these tricks, I’m going to get nervous and things will get jumbled in my brain. I’m afraid I will act guilty even though I’m innocent.
People I know: please don’t get murdered. I will miss you and probably end up in prison.
…Wow, I really do feel better. Now give me your most irrational fears, darlings. I wanna hear/read them.