Every time I pick out a card for someone, be it for a birthday or a baby gift, I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to find one that’s just right. Occasionally I buy a card, not for the giant milestones, but because I want to commemorate something smaller and more personal.
What I really want is a series of cards to reflect the events in my life and the lives of those around me, not just the events we share as a society.
If I were to design greetings cards for some of the loved ones in my life this week, here’s how they’d turn out:
TO MY DAD…
Image: A birthday cake in shadows, the candles blown out.
Text: I’M SORRY I yelled at you on your birthday
Inside: But in my defence, I researched what to buy you and ordered it weeks in advance only to have you go out and buy yourself the exact same book mere hours before I gave my present to you, so what do you expect??? P.S. I now owe you another ‘I’m Sorry’ card. You’re a great dad.
TO MY MOM…
Image: A neat and tidy room
Text: THANK YOU for helping me swap the furniture in two of the rooms in my house for no discernible reason other than I asked you to
Inside: You are always there for me. Also, you are freakishly strong (especially for a 70-year old).
TO MY HUSBAND…
Image: A vase of irises
Text: MY DEEPEST SYMPATHY FOR YOUR LOSS of sleep last night
Inside: Especially since it was because I allegedly kicked you and whacked you with the blankets, though that does pose the question: Did you dream cheat on me? Regardless, next time we play Super Mario 3, I’ll let you take all the mushroom huts.
TO MY KIDS…
Image: A young boy and a young girl joyfully playing at a park
Text: HAPPY BROTHER & SISTER DAY
Inside: It feels awfully competitive of you two to demand your own holiday just because I got Mother’s Day and your dad gets Father’s Day next month. But it’s also cute. I love you both.
ANOTHER CARD TO MY HUSBAND…
Image: An old-timey strong man lifting one of those barbells with black sphere weights
Text: CONGRATULATIONS on lifting 500 lbs
Inside: Seriously. That’s a lot of weight. And if our kids ever get into a “My dad is stronger than your dad” debate on the playground, they’ve got a really good shot at being right.
And now, gorgeous readers, tell me what personalized greeting cards you need for this week. Maybe we’ll start a business.